10 Step Guide To Looking Old Before Your Time
1. Do illicit drugs. Nothing ages the skin faster than meth cut with laundry detergent.
2. Don’t exercise. Let those toxins settle deep into your tissues so they can metastasize.
3. Smoke. Cigarettes, herbs, whatever. A pack a day keeps the doctor away . . . but not the medical examiner.
4. Eat highly processed foods like white bread and salty snacks. Slather butter, cream, or some other dairy product on the veggie of your choice and think it’s nutritional.
5. Don’t read—labels, books, or articles. Just trust the advertising and put it on your face.
6. Get lots of sun, especially without sunscreen. In fact, stay away from anything with an SPF rating.
7. Exclusively drink diet soda, sports drinks, and sugary beverages with lots of caffeine in them. Water is way overrated and only makes you go to the bathroom.
8. Party like a rock star. You can sleep when you’re dead.
9. Don’t take any nutritional supplements like vitamins or herbs. You get everything you need from cheeseburgers and french fries.
10. Finally, and this is the most important of all, don’t read this blog. You know all this stuff already.
